Save the Planet

Sorry, it's not going to happen.

I'll keep it simple: there are almost 7 billion people on the planet. They have all been watching reruns of bad American television for the past 30 years. They all want to live like the spoiled brats on "Dallas" or "90210"--depending on their age. They think they need "stuff" to make them happy.

The making of stuff means mining the good things that nature built over millions of years and turning it into toxic waste and foul air. It's going to end in a bad way, and sooner than you think.

For those of you reading my section of the website because you are arch-conservatives and you think I am one of you, but now you're doubting because I sound like a member of the liberal elite . . . I am an arch-conservative, but I'm not one of you. I have played a major role in the creation of propaganda which tells the world that climate change is a liberal conspiracy. That there are plenty of fish in the ocean. That pollution makes great sunsets. I don't believe the propaganda. You do.

The propaganda is vital: belief in those lies means you will continue to spew fossil fuel emissions into the air. That will hasten the crash. The sooner the crash happens, the quicker the recovery. I'm still hoping to rule what's left of the world while fishing for trout in a beautiful mountain stream. If it takes another 40 years to crash this mess, I'll be ruling from an underground bunker. That's not something I'm looking forward to.

Your best bet for saving the planet is to donate money to me. I'm supporting the work of scientists who are gathering the DNA of millions of species so we can rebuild this place as quickly as possible, once all the rest of you are gone.

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